And the Beat Goes On

It's been too long since I've written. Life has gone on and what a good life it is. Old friends have moved on and I have made so many more new friends through music. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure this not a dream. Many of our new friends have no knowledge about the story of our lives and sometimes that's okay. However, it feels like I am betraying my sweet sons memory if I do acknowledge his life. It's a conundrum. So, life today is pretty amazing. Not that my life was ever bad but it hasn't always been this great or easy. We have found ourselves traveling almost every weekend to see a concert...or two. The luxury of this freedom is not lost on me. I do not take it for granted. Having been witness to the fragility of life, I understand all too well how quickly it can be gone. Work is currently going well and I continue to enjoy what I do. I only half jokingly say that I work to travel because it's pretty much true. At this time, there are three music infused vacations booked and one more in the works. We both love to travel and we both love smooth jazz. If we can combine the two then it's a bonus. Music and travel makes us happy, it's just that simple. 35 years together and it feels like we've been giver a do-over. You rarely get do-overs in life so we are making it count.

A Look Back in the New Year

As 2013 arrives, it is time for out with the old and in with the new. Here is a recap of 2012:

One year ago, I was ready to quit my job and begin a search for something new when out of nowhere, an opportunity landed in my lap. I was offered a nursing position in a different clinic, working for the same company. I had limited knowledge in this specific field of medicine but felt it had to be better than where I was currently. Turns out, it was exactly what I needed and for the first time in many years, I can truly say, I love my job. Finally, I am treated with respect. Each day brings new learning opportunities and challenges I must conquer. As part of this clinic, I have been afforded travel and new experiences that have enriched my knowledge and expanded my skill set. It is not an easy job yet it is most rewarding.

I have, finally, come to accept that a new friendship, I once felt was was forced upon me, is actually a gift that was bestowed upon me. She is nothing like my friend who died, yet she is an amazing person in her own right. We have become good friends and someone whom I trust. Those who know me, know that trust is not something that comes easy thing for me so I feel this is a great accomplishment on her part. I cannot say that we are BFF's yet. However, we are comfortable with each other's company and have even forged a bond over our mutual love of nursing and endless amusement in making others at the table nauseous.

Sissy's health continues to be an ever present nuisance and always seems to rear its ugly head at the most inopportune times. She gave us quite a scare with a recent ICU stay but thankfully, was well and home for Christmas. However, Sissy, herself, has been in rare form these days. Even volunteering as a room mother at her daughter's school. This is a very positive step for her and I am very proud of her.

Our little Moo baby has officially become Moo girl now that she has begun kindergarten. She is learning to read and spell words so she enjoys showing off these new found talents anytime we visit. She has grown taller as well. While I am a bit vertically challenged, I fear I will be eye to eye with her before she hits puberty. However, for the time being, she is still small enough to scoop up in my arms and rock her to sleep.

Last but certainly not least, my sweet hubby hit the big Five-O this year. We celebrated with Mediterranean food, belly dancers, cake and friends. He was not amused when his AARP membership application arrived in the mail. I was though and teased him endlessly about all of the senior citizen discounts he could get with his membership. Needless to say, the application went missing around the same time as trash day.

Table for Two

Spending time with my hubby has become the highlight of my day. Somehow, no matter how crazy my work day was, when I am back home with him each evening, my world suddenly becomes balanced again. It doesn't matter what we do, as long as we are together we have a good time. Since this is still a luxury for me, I study other couples interactions while we are out and about. I see far too many couples who have not said two word to each other because their eyes are glued their cell phones, no doubt making a status update or tweeting about where they are at the moment. I want to tell them, "You aren't going to get this time back. Get off your phone, look into his/her eyes and TALK to your significant other!"

Sunday mornings are always the same if we are in town; breakfast at our favorite place, sitting in our favorite waiter's section eating our respective favorite dishes. Our waiter, Manuel, is a mid-fifties, ex-fighter from El Salvador. He is never without a smile and readily admits that he loves his tequila. Manuel entertains us with stories about his country, not much of it good by the way, and his many adventures as he made his way through Central America to finally end up here. Somewhere along the way, he accidently discovered he had a high tolerance for spicy (read hot)foods. As a result, he has conquered the Wicked Burger at The Westside Alehouse. Yes, the same one that my sweet hubby tried and conquered as well. He was the one who first told us about it.

It is no secret that we love smooth jazz. We have become frequent patrons at One World Theatre and happily reserve premium seats for our favorite performers. For those of you in our hometown, it is a delicious little venue with the same type of vibe that Caravan Of Dreams provided back in the day. The jazz cruise is another of our favorite luxuries. Spending a week aboard ship with some of jazz most brilliant performers is priceless not to mention the 24/7 music.

On bad days and yes, they do occur, I cannot help but wonder if my Sweetpea somehow knew that his mommy and daddy would be okay. I know that he does not think of us now and for that, I am glad. I hate the days when I am held prisoner by my brain. The memories are one thing but the what ifs, I cannot handle. I have to find ways to redirect my thoughts. Thankfully, I can count on my ever present hubby to interject some of his brilliant insight or sometimes just a little off color humor to interrupt my self inflicted pain. He knows when to help and when to leave me be. He and I have both made promises to each other that we will not allow our grief to control our life. So for those of you who are wondering, we both still ache deeply for our precious child. However, we have chosen to live in the moment, not in the past by taking a "Put one foot in front of the other" type of attitude if you will. Tomorrow is always a new day and another chance to make a memory together.

Sea Shells And Wedding Bells

As teenagers, we began our married life abruptly. Our wedding day was thrown together by two shocked mothers trying to help us "do the right thing". Planning a dream wedding was the last thing on their minds. There were no invitations or flower arrangements, no rehearsal dinner and no honeymoon. Just a simple ceremony with our immediate family and a few close friends. A quick exchange of vows, some cake, punch and done. I don't even remember anyone asking my opinion of anything other than that hideous dress and laughable hat I chose to wear.

This last June, we decided to celebrate our thirty year anniversary by renewing our vows. This time it would be all of our own chosing. Our love of the tropics meant it had to be a barefoot affair complete with ocean and beach. And so our search began. Where should we begin the next chapter of our lives? Hawaii? Jamaica? Grand Cayman? Or maybe Aruba? Finally, we both agreed on the Bahamas.

Nassau did not disappoint. The island was clean, safe, friendly and beautiful. We spent the week exploring the local straw markets near Cable Beach, visiting Paradise Island and Exuma as well as riding the local bus to and from town. We lazed on the beach, snorkled in the crystal clear turquoise waters and noshed on deep fried conch fritters to our hearts content. It was lovely. Never had I felt so relaxed.

Our vow renewal took place mid week, on the beach, under a flower laiden gazebo and was performed by a local Bahamian Baptist minister. His job was made eaiser by the fact that we each wrote our own vows. I wore a long white sundress and Buddy wore a white linen shirt and white linen pants. We were barefoot. Seeing my amazing husband standing there waiting for me, as I walked down the sandy path to Pachelbel's Canon in D, brought tears to my eyes. I have loved that man since I was sixteen years old.

Though most of our married life has been filled with adversity and heartache, those trials have only served to bring us closer together. However, this one day could not have been more perfect.

Blue Sky, Blue Water, Blue Heart

Our first trip as new "empty nesters" was bittersweet. We married young and I gave birth to our first child, a daughter, just 7 months later. Three short years later our son was born and suddenly, life as we knew it was gone. The hopes and dreams, vanished. Thirty years later, we are still very much in love. On paper, our marriage is storybook. However, we are not a conventional family by any stretch of the imagination.

Our children are unique and came complete with a variety of physical and medical needs. Rest and sleep left our vocabulary so long ago that even hearing the words remind me of a foreign language.

We grew as our children grew. We were not only their parents but their nurses as well. To say we lived in the local children's hospital would not be much of a stretch. Santa has visited our kids there, birthday cakes have been eaten there New Year Eves have been rang in there and Fourth of July fireworks have been viewed from there. In an attempt to better care for our fragile children I decided to become a nurse. In 1996, I became a paid employee in that very same children's hospital.

We had some good years without many hospitalizations. My husband, Buddy, and I learned to roll with the flow. We accepted the bad and rejoiced at the good. Through it all we have remained best friends and lean not only on God but on each other to get through whatever comes our way. So when our world was turned upside down in the summer of 2010, we continued to do just that.

Our son, whose health had steadily been declining for the last couple of years, suddenly became ill one day and died in the emergency room just two hours later. Once again, life as we knew it was gone. However, this time, the hopes and dreams emerged from our grief addled fog and shone brightly in front of us.

Suddenly, after nearly twenty five years of no time for each other, time was all we had. In the beginning the quietness was deafening. Gone was the melodic tinkle of the musical toys our son loved so much. Gone was his gutteral belly laugh and deep groans summoning us to try and figure out what he needed or wanted. Our house seemed to have died as well.

No longer were we depended upon by someone else. Our daughter, although still battling her own illness, had married and now lived three hours away with her husband and young daughter. A new word, so long forgotten, soon emerged...freedom. We were free to go and do whatever we wanted. No longer was having one person stay at home with our son an issue. It took a while for us to realize that this freedom was not a bad thing or something we should feel guilty about. We loved our son and missed him very much so in our minds, having freedom was wrong. In actuality, it was the opposite. It was exactly what we needed. That was when the plan to escape began to hatch.

Once we accepted that we could not change the fact that our son was gone and our lives had changed, we began to see the possibilities. We dared to book a cruise. We needed to get away and sort through our feelings and deal with our grief. A cruise seemed like a great place to do just that.

And so our journey began. Our ports of call were Jamaica, Grand Caymen and Cozumel. I left tears at each stop and many more in the deep waters off our balcony but I allowed my self to have fun as well. Soon, I realized that no matter how far away I was, my son was still there in my heart. Just as real as when he was growing under my heart. I had my memories and the knowledge that he was no longer in pain and that I would indeed see him again someday. Armed with this new realization, I was able to let go of the deep ache that had consumed me. I began to uncover ME.

That me, that I found, is a beach bum at heart and still madly in love with the same man I married so many years ago. We swam with the stingrays, we snorkled and we lazed on the beach. We also found each other all over again and realized that we very much enjoyed each other's company and our new found freedom. We decided to mark this as the first of our many travels together as a couple.